Morose movie watching

I recently watched two movies where the protagonists get pregnant on the first try (The Switch and Friends With Kids).  Annoying as hell, I tell ya.  I understand that they need the characters to get pregnant ASAP to move the story along, but it's kind of insulting (and, I think, irresponsible) to lead us to believe that it's so easy to get knocked up in your mid- to late-thirties.  Give me an effing break. 

In an effort to wash the bad taste out of my mouth from those fairy tales, I've been gravitating towards movies on the opposite end of the spectrum.  The movies where the couples don't get their baby and their happily ever after. 

In P.S. I Love You, the movie begins with the couple arguing about when to have a baby.  Although their childlessness isn't due to infertility, they are childless and their dreams of having a family together die when the husband succumbs to a brain tumor. 

I loved the book One Day, but resisted seeing the movie because I had serious issues with Anne Hathaway playing Emma.  I finally caved in last night and watched it.  *spoilers ahead*  Although Anne's terrible British accent distracted and annoyed me, I couldn't help but be moved by Emma and Dex's struggle to have a baby together.  As in P.S. I Love You, the tragic death of one partner ends their quest to have a child. 

Pixar's Up is the one that chokes me up the most.  The story of Ellie and Carl is so beautifully told that it brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it.  (Watch the video below if you've never seen it.)  The infertility story line is subtle but very well done. 

All three of these films address one of my greatest fears:  remaining childless and being left behind.  A childless couple can say, "We still have each other."  Inevitably, though, that won't always be the case.  Unless both of you die together in a freak accident, one of you is going before the other.  One of you is going to be left behind.  One of you is going to be left alone. 

I saw this happen with one of my best friends.  Three and a half years ago, she lost her husband to a massive heart attack.  There was no warning and no chance for goodbyes.  He had two children from previous relationships, but they were unable to have a child together.  When he died, she was abandoned by his children.  As she told me the other day, she has nothing left of him and that's a pain that will never go away.  Three years later, she still struggles with immense grief, not only because she lost her partner, but also because she was never able to share a child with him. 

Perhaps it's morbid of me to think of this so often, but it's something that's always just under the surface for me.  If I died before J, he'd be ok.  He still has E.  But with J's medical history, it wouldn't be a great surprise if he went before I did.  If we never have a child together, what am I left with?  There are no guarantees that E will still be in my life once his father is gone.  In fact, if it were left up to E's mother, I can guarantee you that I would never see E again.  I've seen the devastation my friend went through.  The family she thought she had with her husband evaporated with his death.  I don't want to experience that. 

The fear of dying alone isn't my sole motivation for wanting a child, but if I'm being completely honest, it's a very important part of my desire.  I'm driven mainly by my need to love and nurture a child, but I also want the comfort of knowing that there will be someone there with me at the end, and that after I'm gone a little bit of me will carry on.  Is it selfish?  Perhaps.  But I also think it's a completely normal human desire. 

Thoughts?

Anticipation

Work is slow and I'm struggling to find things to fill my work day with. I'm waiting for my period to begin so I can officially begin my break from ttc.  (It should be here today or tomorrow.)  I'm waiting for my summer holiday to begin.  (Another three weeks to go.  Sigh.)  Once my holiday begins, we'll be driving through the beautiful U.S. of A. to pick up E for the summer.  I can't wait. 

I'm very much looking forward to our summer - even the long drive down to Texas.  We'll be passing through Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado and I'm sure the scenery will be amazing.  I'm excited to be in Texas again.  It holds such dear memories for me.  And I miss the Mexican food! But the best part will be spending time with E.  His daddy misses him so much.  So does his stepmommy.  There will be a lot of happy tears shed when we see him again.

My boys

The Consult

Early Monday afternoon, J and I drove up to the big city where the fertility clinic is.  We could have driven up the morning of the appointment, but we decided to treat ourselves to a night away and booked a room at a B&B.  We had a lovely dinner and then went back to the B&B to watch a movie.  Of course I fell asleep before the movie was over, but we still had a great evening.  A change of scenery seemed to be exactly what we needed to recharge and de-stress.

The next morning I stuffed myself with delicious homemade apple-almond waffles before heading off to the hospital for our appointment.  (I later regretted my gluttony when they weighed me.  Ugh.)  We were half an hour early for the appointment and didn't get called in until half an hour after our appointment time, so we had a lengthy stay in the waiting room.  For the most part we were alone in the waiting room, for which I was thankful, but at one point a young woman with a toddler came by.  Sigh.  Thanks for bringing your kid, lady.  Much appreciated.  A few minutes after she left, an elderly woman walked into the waiting room.  "She must have gotten lost," I thought.  Why would she be in the obstetrics/ART department?  I soon discovered why when a young girl, probably no more than 14 or 15, followed her in.  The old woman was there with her granddaughter.  The girl was obviously very unhappy and looked as if she wanted to crawl into a hole and die.  I surprised myself by feeling sorry for her, rather than feeling bitter and angry.  My heart went out to her.  Poor kid. 

We were finally called into a consultation room where we were interviewed by two residents.  They took a detailed history from both of us.  They seemed unconcerned by my PCOS, my mid-cycle spotting, and my short luteal phase.  In regards to the LP issue, the one resident kept saying that some doctors don't see it as a problem.  I took that to mean that our doctor isn't worried about LP defects.  Odd.  The resident went on to say that it's great that I seem to be ovulating every month.  I got the impression that she thinks I'm doing well for a woman of my age.

Then they took J's history.  Interestingly, they seemed more concerned about him than about me.  They were less concerned about his history of cancer and radiation than they were about the abuse his "boys" took as a paratrooper and his habit of taking hot baths.  (I had told J long ago that hot baths were not good for his swimmers, but he wouldn't believe me.  I felt vindicated when the resident told him to cut them out.)

The residents took our information to the RE.  She came into the room and spoke with us for a few minutes.  She told us that she wanted to run tests on us before making a recommendation on treatment, which is what I expected.  What we didn't expect was that she wanted a sperm sample from J that day.  We bashfully had to tell her that we hadn't abstained long enough for that.  Couldn't someone have warned us beforehand that they might be asking for that right away?  So, they scheduled his SA for June 13th, which is fine since I have to go back for an antral follicle count ultrasound anyway.  Before we left, they sent me for some blood tests (prolactin, thyroid, infectious diseases, etc).  They'll also be repeating my cd3 blood work once my new cycle starts.  I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have a doctor order these tests without me begging for them first.   It's a dream come true!

As for treatment options, this is what the clinic offers:

1)  CC - clomiphene citrate + natural insemination.  Cost:  $45-90.  Success rate:  5%.  Risk of multiples: 8-10%

2)  CC/hCG/IUI - clomiphene citrate + trigger shot + IUI.  Cost:  approx.  $800.  (Interestingly, they charge for IUIs, whereas my previous clinic did not.  I have no idea why this is the case.)  Success rate:  8-10%.  Risk of multiples:  8-10%

3)  "Superovulation" - FSH + trigger shot + IUI.  Cost:  low end, $2200; high end, $3700.  Success rate:  15-20%.  Risk of multiples:  20%.

4)  IVF - Cost:  low end, $6550; high end, $10,500. (High end includes ICSI and maximum amounts for medication.)  Success rate (for my age):  30%.  Number of embryos transferred (for my age):  2.  Risk of multiples:  20%. 

Given my history with clomid, options 1 and 2 are probably out.  It simply thinned my lining too much.  I was disappointed to see that they don't offer letrozole as an option, because that leaves us only with options 3 and 4.  This is a concern to me, not only because of cost, but because I'm afraid of ovarian hyperstimulation.  I responded very well, in terms of follicle production, to the lowest dose of clomid.  I'm honestly a bit afraid of how much my ovaries would respond to injects.  I voiced this concern to the resident and she assured me that I would be very closely monitored with ultrasounds and daily blood work, but that of course there is always a risk of OHS.  But because I respond so well to medication, I would hope that I would need less of it and thus our costs would be lower. 

I personally don't see the point in pursuing option #3.  The cost per cycle is very high, the success rate is lower, and there are no "leftovers" from the cycle to give you another chance if it fails.  It doesn't seem to be very cost effective to go this route, unless we're guaranteed a pregnancy on the first or second try.  I know there are no guarantees with IVF, either - we may not get enough good embryos to save for a rainy day - but to me it makes the most sense if we're going to invest that much money in treatments.  Go big, or go home, right? 

J became a bit freaked out when he saw the information on IVF.  I had warned him beforehand how expensive IVF is, but I don't think it really hit him until he saw the numbers on the page.  When he saw the stats on multiples with IVF, he went white.  "Oh my god, we're going to have twins," he said quietly.  We've had this discsussion already.  He doesn't want twins and I completely understand his feelings about this.  The cost and the stress of raising two babies at once is daunting.  To be honest, I'm kind of on the same page regarding the twin issue.   When I started this journey I naively thought twins would be super:  one pregnancy and I'm done!  But I now know all the risks involved with a twin pregnancy and I have to say that I'd rather avoid it if I could.

This is all speculation at this point, though.  Our resident told us that if we're lucky, we may not even need ART.  If our test results come back ok - and we can get J to stop taking hot baths! - they may just recommend that we try naturally for a little while longer.  I still hope that we can achieve a miracle baby on our own, but I know that that's looking less and less likely to happen.

 

The day before

Tomorrow is the long-awaited RE appointment.  I just realized that in the time I've waited to get in to see her, I could have gotten pregnant and birthed a baby.  Sheesh. 

I'm feeling pretty ambivalent about it.  I think part of it is because I'm sick of everything to do with ttc.  The other part is general fatigue over having yet another doctor's appointment.  But we might as well go and get the ball rolling for when we're ready to get back to baby-making.  I'm not sure what to expect.  There's a part of me that's afraid I'm going to get the same brush-off from the RE that I've gotten from my other doctors.  "Oh, you're fine.  Just keep trying.  Now quit wasting my precious time."  I seem to inspire that kind of response in medical practitioners. 

I know I'm being negative.  I've had a pretty crummy attitude lately.  I'm feeling so certain that I'm not pregnant this month that I indulged in two glasses of wine last night.  It was perhaps not the best idea, since I was watching P.S. I Love You at the time.  Tear-jerker + drunk Jenny = one big mess.  I watched it on my laptop with headphones to spare J,* but he still had to endure my frequent sobs.  Honestly, I cried for at least half the movie.  But it was cathartic.  Although I'm not in the situation that the heroine is (thank god), I could relate to her grief and the feeling that her life had come to a screeching halt. 




*Part way through the movie, I turned to J and made him promise that he wouldn't die before me.  His response was, "I promise...if you promise me that I never have to watch that movie."

Damn spot

Yep, my body is officially falling apart. 

I have had an unusual amount of spotting this cycle and it's starting to freak me out.  (Warning:  we're getting into tmi territory here.)  On cd 12 - my second day of peak fertility according to Clearblue and 1dpo according to FF - I had blood-streaked ewcm.  Lovely.  But I shrugged it off and assumed it must be ovulation spotting.  Then on cd 15 I had more spotting.  Weird, but ok.  I'll roll with it.  Today, cd 18, I noticed a couple more spots on my underwear after I got in from a 5k walk.  I don't think cd 15 can be explained away as implantation bleeding because it was too soon after ovulation.  I also don't think today's is implantation bleeding, either.  I think something is just really, really wonky with my body. 

The RE is going to have fun with me on Tuesday.

Wuss

Scene:  Dr. N's office.  

*Dr. N walks into consultation room.*

Jenny:  It's me again.

Dr. N:  Oh, that's ok!  What can I do for you today?

Jenny:  Well...

Dr. N (excitedly):  Are you pregnant?

*Jenny sighs.*

----------------------------------------------------

 

Well, I did leave the office with a referral for an ultrasound, but it's only to see if I have some gall stone babies growing in me.

Wednesday afternoon and evening were torture for me.  Shortly after lunch I started to experience intense pain around my diaphragm and in my back.  I had a film screening and panel discussion to attend that afternoon and I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat for two hours before I finally couldn't stand it anymore and left.  I sat with a heating pad on my back for the rest of the work day and prayed for the pain to stop.  It didn't.  It only got worse.  By the time I got home, I was barely able to walk and all I could was collapse onto the couch and curl up into a miserable ball of agony.  I was thisclose to asking J to take me to the hospital.  He found some Tylenol with codeine for me, so I took a couple.  I decided that if that didn't work, I'd have him take me in.  Thankfully the pills kicked in quickly.  They killed most of the pain and knocked me out.  

The next day I felt much better, but still had some lingering pain.  I was also completely exhausted and stayed home to sleep.  I did, however, go see my acupuncturist.  When I told her what I had experienced the previous day, she was very concerned.  She knocked around my kidney area (it felt fine) and then started to palpate just below my diaphragm, where I told her it hurt the most.  The left side didn't hurt at all, but the right was extremely tender.  She told me to get in to see my doctor ASAP and request an ultrasound on my gall bladder.  

I hadn't told her that I'd already decided to take a break from trying, but she came to the same conclusion:  I need a rest.  My body is worn down and rebelling against me.  She wanted to reassure me that I'm strong and resilient, but I think she's just saying that to make me feel better.  My body is a big wuss and we all know it.  I'm feeling pretty disgusted with it right about now.  If it can't handle the stress it's under now, what the hell is it going to do if we have to turn to injects and/or IVF?  I look at all these other women around me who are going through much more serious manipulations of their bodies and they're not falling to pieces like I am.  

Stupid, weak body.  Get a grip, will ya?

 

Cry baby

Source

I admit that I'm an emotional person.  I feel things deeply and they stay with me for a long time.  On average, I'd say that I have a good cry once or twice a month, and that's usually because AF has arrived.  But lately I've been crying over anything and everything.  Just watching TV has become an emotional ordeal for me.  I cried over the series finale of House.  I cried during the season finale of Glee last night.  I even cried over the last Saturday Night Live episode, for heaven's sake.  (It was Kristin Wiig's final performance.)  If I start crying over a Geico commercial, I'm going to check myself into a mental facility. 

Are there any other criers out there?  What's the stupidest thing that you've cried over?



P.S.  According to FF, I'm 4dpo and I just noticed a very small amount of spotting which was very reminiscent of IUI #3.  Too early for implantation bleeding, so what the heck is happening?